A Discourse on Friendship

Introduction

There can be different perspectives of friendship: some have lifelong friendships with enough trust to protect each other's family, some think they have that type of friendship only for it to be revealed as a house of cards under adversity, and others have never really known anyone they would be comfortable calling a friend. Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 emphasizes the importance of friendships and the value they have in our lives. Studies show that those with meaningful relationships tend to live happier, healthier, and longer lives. I believe this is because God created us to be communal beings; to live with and depend on one another while growing together in this journey of life toward Him (Philippians 1:27).

The purpose of this study is not to shame anyone for the state of their friendships, but rather to inspire people to go deeper in their relationships and to bring more understanding on what it might take to start, build, strengthen, and maintain a healthy and godly friendship. Please have your Bible on hand and read each scripture as we go through them together to get the most out of this. All Scriptures will be quoted for the New Living Translation. I was super convicted studying out David and Jonathan's friendship, along with some practicals given in the Scriptures, and I pray that this serves you well too.

First, it's necessary to understand there are different types of relationships. A person in your life can be an acquaintance, someone you have a working relationship/friendship with, or a lifelong friend. While it is not practical for most people in your life to be your BFF, please do not mistake them as being less important. They all serve needed roles to balance and mature us in God's perfect love. And as Christians, we are called to love each other the same.

Acquaintanceship

An acquaintance is someone you are familiar with, but there is very little to no trust or expectation in the relationship. This could range from that person you say 'hi' to on the train every day on your way to work whose name you never remember, to that person you sit next to in class who you joke around and have light conversations with accompanied by the occasional life talk. The acquaintances in our lives teach us to love those we may not have an emotional connection prompting us to love. They challenge us to love beyond our feelings and help those in need simply because we share their humanity. There is no explicit (and rarely an implicit) expectation to help in time of need, yet we are called by the Lord to love them as we love ourselves. They are some of the "neighbors" Jesus spoke of in Luke 10:25-37. Without acquaintances, our understanding of God's love and how He directs us to love Him would be severely limited and incomplete. The love that God calls us to stretches beyond only loving those we deem worthy of our love. It's instead a wild, contagious, unfailing love (1 Corinthians 13:7) that binds us together as His creation. God is literally love (1 John 4:7-21) and we were all made in the image of this love (Genesis 1:26). This explains why going out of our way to love someone we may or may not know is so fulfilling. We were meant to love more than those we are close to, so please value the significance of acquaintances in your life. Though you may not really know them, love them genuinely.

Working Relationships

Then there are working relationships/friendships. Misunderstanding this concept and its significance can often lead to unmet expectations and bitterness. Let's define a working relationship as one that is built in the trenches, allowing two people to love and support one another wholeheartedly while being productive and accomplishing something greater than themselves. When these two people begin to go beyond what is necessary for them to be an efficient team together, such as intimately sharing their lives with one another while working together, it can blossom into a working friendship. Both are beautiful gifts from God, and a working friendship is a joyful blessing. Though these relationships are intimately part of our lives for only a season (weeks to years), it would be a travesty to value them any less than lifelong friends.

One example is Jonathan and his armor-bearer (1 Samuel 14:1-23). If it were not for battle, Jonathan may never have had anything to do with his armor-bearer. But for the sake of the mission at hand, they committed themselves to each other entirely to do whatever it took to reach success. Because of their devotion to God, their trust in one another, and their unified purpose, the two of them changed the fate of an entire battle and saved the lives of thousands of Israelites.

This can be analogous to that study partner you had in school who you grew very close to, that coworker you have deep talks and share your life with every day at lunch, or even that brother or sister in your small group ministry that you are in the trenches with every day to win the world for God and help each other stay faithful. These relationships usually end when the convenience of the relationship (your co-worker changing jobs), or dynamics of the partnership end (study partner graduating or brother/sister changing ministries/small groups).

This is where it gets tricky, for people are quick to get their feelings hurt when this happens. It can start with "we are not as close as we use to be" and progress into "you don't make time for me anymore." This can lead to bitterness and even hatred. One reason this can happen is due to a mismatch in expectations for the friendship. One person is perfectly fine with it being a working relationship/friendship and moving on when that season of their life has passed, while the other expected the working friendship to progress into a lifelong friendship (a common issue if it is not communicated what they want the relationship to be). The neglected friend can then make the gross mistake of saying that the person never really cared for them in the first place (Proverbs 11:9). This is unfair and not true at all! It would be absurd to say that Jonathan and his armor-bearer didn't care for each other and they were only doing their jobs. In fact, the care and trust they had in each other could hardly be matched, even though that relationship might have ended once they were no longer paired together. Instead of becoming bitter at past working friendships that may no longer be flourishing, be grateful you could experience such a friendship at that time.

It's essential to have a sober judgment in your friendships. If you consider someone a lifelong friend but they are not willing to fight for that friendship if it were ever threatened or in jeopardy, your disappointment could lead to bitterness, hatred, and a hardened heart toward that individual and God (if never dealt with). Having a sober mind about these things is a part of guarding your heart (Proverbs 4:23) and emotional maturity.

Count your blessings and value the working relationships/friendships in your life. If it were not for these people, we would not know the joy of accomplishing something with someone we have bled, sweat, and cried with. We would be deficient in knowing how to give ourselves entirely to someone for a cause greater than ourselves. It is my conviction that God uses these relationships to further mature us in this way. So don't be rude and ungrateful by saying, "oh, they are not my real friends". Be grateful and praise God for them in your life, call them a friend, and be a genuine friend to them by being all in. However, having realistic expectations for that relationship so that your own heart will not harden.

Lifelong Relationships

Occasionally, one of those working friendships will blossom into a lifelong friendship. Again, this is not a hierarchy in which lifelong friends are at the apex, and acquaintances are at the base. They are all equally necessary and important in our maturation as children of God called to love one another. So, the change from a working friendship to a lifelong friendship is not a step up, but simply a change in dynamics and degree of influence. There are also those rare occasions when there is no prior working friendship, but rather that person becomes a lifelong friend from the start. Please know that neither is more significant than the other.

There are few better examples of what a healthy and godly lifelong friendship looks like than David and Jonathan. Their story begins in 1 Samuel 18:1-4 after David kills Goliath. We can see three key characteristics to the start of their friendship. The first is Jonathan loving David as he loved himself, obeying the words of Christ who thousands of years later would command people to LOVE their neighbor as themselves (Matthew 22:39). We see from this that our "neighbor", in the eyes of Christ and Jonathan, can range from a stranger/acquaintance (aforementioned) to a life-long friend. There should not be levels to this love if we are to imitate Christ. He does not love the righteous (those that He calls friends in Romans 5:11) more than the unrighteous (those he calls enemies in James 4:4), and neither should we love our life-long friends more than our acquaintances (we see in John 3:16 and Romans 5:6-8 that Jesus died for both the righteous and the unrighteous, showing his unfailing love for both).

Love & Intentionality

There are different types of love (agape vs. eros vs. philia vs. storge), and we can love different people in these different ways as God does, but loving differently is not synonymous with having a greater love for them. God had a different relationship with Abraham than He did with Lot, but that does not mean He loved Abraham more. He has no favorites (Colossians 3:25), and neither should we with our love. This is slightly beyond the scope of our study, but this is an excellent discussion to have, and I encourage you to study it out, as will I.

We then see Jonathan and David made a COMMITMENT to one another. They decided from the beginning what type of relationship they wanted to have, and they committed themselves to that friendship. Often when we have working friendships that have lasted for years, we assume that person will always be there for us. Don't make assumptions; if there is a friend you would like to go deeper with, have an honest conversation with them about the state of your friendship and what it will take to build a stronger and more sustainable one. We see this as common sense in romantic relationships, but we tend to neglect this principle in our friendships? When the dynamics of a working friendship change, it takes love, humility, and intentionality to keep that friend. A first step in being INTENTIONAL is a commitment to one another. If you approach your friend and they are not interested in making such a commitment, don't get salty and pout. Instead, have a thankful heart that you were able to share a special relationship with that person for that season of your life. Again, it takes humility and emotional maturity to learn to let go of relationships in a healthy way. If you are the one that is unwilling to make that commitment and need guidance on how to respond in that conversation, pray for wisdom and don't be afraid to be honest with them.

We also see that Jonathan made the first move. He put his insecurities and pride aside to humble himself and give David, whom he had just made a commitment to, his robe, tunic, sword, bow, and belt. He, the son of the King and future King himself, humbled himself by giving this peasant boy his tokens of royalty and strength, showing how he values their new friendship above these things. He stripped himself of everything that would protect him from or elevate him above David, leaving himself vulnerable and exposed before his new friend. And this show of vulnerability was before David showed any sign of honoring their commitment. It takes a secure and humble person to be that vulnerable, valuing a relationship over the fear of getting hurt (1 John 4:18). Notice David did not do the same thing (he likely had nothing to give). This shows that to Jonathan, his friendship and love for David outweighed the importance of complete reciprocity in their friendship. Jonathan didn't care; he just wanted to do whatever it took to build and keep that friendship. Don't be afraid of showing your friends you care. Make yourself bare before those you want to have as a friend for life, for vulnerability (whether physical or emotional) is the ultimate sign of trust in a relationship.

The next interaction we see between Jonathan and David is in 1 Samuel 19:1-7. Saul is determined to kill David, but Jonathan defends his friend. He shows he is willing to get his hands dirty to create peace. From this, we learn LOYALTY. In the ongoing conflict between Saul and David, this is the first-time Jonathan aligns himself with David. This illustrates how Jonathan was more concerned with keeping his commitment to his friend than appeasing his father/king. This level of loyalty (or lack thereof) can be exposed when it might be an embarrassment or political suicide to align yourself with your friend at their most publicly humiliating and vulnerable moment. Either you do it anyway because your friendship with them means more to you than the scrutiny and consequence of their association at the time, or you don't do it because in your heart it's not worth it. Either way, it very clearly exposes the friend you are to them.

This happened to me with a friend of mine who was a manager. At one meeting, his group began to form an angry mob against him. When tensions were highest, my friend asked me to help him close out the meeting. I had to make a decision; was I to go against this angry mob and support my friend in the midst of the chaos and shouts for his head, or was I to lay low to avoid impending embarrassment and political suicide? I saw the "I don't know what else to do" look he had, and I knew I had an obligation to support my friend no matter the repercussions. Defending him was more important than the possibility of the angry mob shouting to have my head too. He was worth it and always will be. Loyalty will always be valued (Proverbs 3:3 and Proverbs 20:6), and loyalty beyond consequence fosters trust and devotion.

The next interaction between Jonathan and David is throughout 1 Samuel 20. We can see that David is not afraid to be weak in front of Jonathan. David, a fierce warrior, reduced himself to show his friend how he is truly feeling. He doesn't care how it makes him look, but rather trusts his friend in his moment of vulnerability. At times, we can be very good at putting on a mask to conceal from the world our true feelings of insecurity, frustration, and sadness. But friendships can only go as far as there is TRUST. There needs to be trust that you can bare all your weaknesses and dirty laundry without being judged. The quickest way to build trust is to be your real self and watch how they respond.

Jonathan responded with HUMILITY by asking David how he could help. Jonathan did not assume he knew how he should help David, and he did not just listen and say, "I'm sorry to hear that bro." He wanted to make sure he was there for his friend in a way that David would feel supported. At times, we can arrogantly want our friendships to go the way that we want. But it shouldn't be about you or what you want; it's about having the humility to consider someone else as more important than yourself (Philippians 2:3-4). I've had numerous people say to me "for us to be friends, this is what I need from you." Instead of taking an approach that is focused on self, why not follow Jonathan's example and ask in humility "what can I do to love and serve you?" Narcissism extends so deep into our subconscious that the only time many of us hear someone ask us "how may I serve you" is when we go to Chick-fil-a.

Serve your friends. And don't just serve them the way that you want, but find out how they would want to be served (a good book on how to do this practically is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman). True consideration is above how you feel. Think of it this way, your friendships should never be an inconvenience to you. Whether it means waking up at 3am to pick them up from the airport or traveling cross country to go to their grandmother's funeral, you make it happen with joy in your heart because they are worth it to you. This level of consideration and humility is what Jonathan demonstrated when he asked his friend how he could help and be there for him.

Throughout their interactions, we see a theme that Jonathan may have cared more for David than David did for Jonathan. 1 Samuel 20:17 is the 2nd time it is mentioned that "Jonathan loved David as he loved himself", but not once did it say that David loved Jonathan as himself as well. I don't think that's a knock on David's love for Jonathan because that's a high calling to match (although this is the love that Christ called us to, as aforementioned). But rather it shows how that didn't matter to Jonathan. He was not afraid of giving more to David than David could give to him. He didn't need complete reciprocity to give his all to that friendship. All he needed was a commitment from David to have love, humility, and to be intentional in their friendship (hence their recommitment to each other in verse 17). Boundaries are needed in every relationship, but perfect reciprocity will not always exist. The question we must ask ourselves is whether that matters to us or not. There is no right answer, only awareness on where you would like the relationships to be. For Jonathan, he valued David beyond reciprocity (taking the pressure off David to live up to expectations).

Their last interaction can be seen in 1 Samuel 23:16-18, at the height of Saul hunting David. Jonathan went out of his way just to encourage David to keep going. He risked his life to simply relay to his friend that he believes in him. Jonathan shows there is nothing he is not willing to do for the benefit of his friend. This ENCOURAGEMENT, something we all need (Hebrews 3:12-13), might have been the very thing that pushed David to keep going and not give up.

We also see that for a 3rd time, they REAFFIRM their commitment to their friendship. It is not a coincidence that in almost every interaction we see in the Scriptures between David and Jonathan, they are reaffirming their commitment to one another. It is important to communicate with your friends what they truly mean to you. It is a form of encouragement that fights against bitterness and pride, helping to build a lasting relationship. This was the last time the two of them would ever see each other again, for Jonathan is killed shortly after.

One last thing worth mentioning is the time that David and Jonathan spent together. Some believe that abundant time needs to be spent between two people for them to build a friendship, and I would like to challenge that notion. It appears that David and Jonathan hardly saw each other, and yet their bond was stronger than ever. Although their time may not have been abundant, it was meaningful and valued. Abundant time is not needed to build a relationship. Still, the time that is spent needs to be protected and equally valued by both parties. This is especially the case if you or your friend's love language is quality time. Again, it's not necessarily the amount of time spent that matters, but the QUALITY of that time. If this is you, please do not put an unrealistic expectation on your friends to have a certain amount of communication with you for your friendship to stand. It is not fair to them, and it ironically fosters working friendships (due to convenience) rather that deepening lifelong friendships. However, communication is essential in working relationships/friendships. So, if a lifelong friend is also a working friend, you would need to talk to them frequently for the sake of the mission at hand. But work mustn't be brought up in every interaction. Otherwise, you both can begin to subconsciously associate that relationship with work only. There must be time to connect, aside from work, to foster that relationship. From David and Jonathan's example, we see that time spent should have nothing to do with the depth of a relationship; we must go deeper.

Looking at their remarkable example, Jonathan and David quintessentially lived out 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. They fought for their relationship under the most extreme circumstances, and their reward was a friend that was closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24). The major characteristics we explored in their friendship was Jonathan's love for David, the humility Jonathan showed to consider David before himself, both of their willingness to be vulnerable and weak before the other, their intentionality in committing to each other and reaffirming that commitment often, the loyalty Jonathan had for David, Jonathan's desire to serve and encourage his friend at any cost, and the trust they had in each other. These are all character traits that God can use lifelong friends to mature us in personally. Without lifelong friends, we miss lessons in love, vulnerability, commitment, loyalty, encouragement, trust, and consideration. Because of their special place in our hearts, they can influence our character, unlike anyone else (Proverbs 27:17, and 1 Corinthians 15:33). So, value your lifelong friends and don't take them for granted.

Conclusion

In short, evaluate your relationships and decide what degree of influence you want people to have in your life. However, whether someone is an acquaintance, working friend, or a lifelong friend, love them all to what Christ calls us to. If you want a deeper relationship with someone, you must go after it, for there is value in winning friends (Proverbs 11:30). From what I've seen, a few of the reasons people don't have deep friendships is because of a lack of vulnerability, lack of humility, fear of being hurt (leading to a lack of vulnerability), selfishness (considering others as better than themselves), or they just don't fight to go deep and keep relationships. Don't just let life happen to you; go after the friendships you want, and allow God to mature you in the process. And don't be afraid to get hurt, for without pressure and friction, how would a diamond ever be form or a gemstone ever shaped? This topic goes much deeper, but these are just a few of my thoughts. Below are some practicals that have helped me in my life with my friends. Please feel free to add to this list what you have found helpful, and let's strive to grow together in being better friends, all for God's glory!

PRACTICALS:

Make a list of the people you want a deeper friendship with. Title it the "worth fighting for" list, and go after those friendships one by one.
Have an honest conversation about your relationship. Think of anything you may have done to hurt them in the past and sincerely apologize.
Forgive them of anything they may have done to hurt you and let it go before you converse with them. Fight for that forgiveness in prayer and allow room in your friendship for them to make mistakes (Ephesians 4:2 and Colossians 3:13). This means stop taking things personally. You must trust that they love you and would never intentionally hurt you. If you cannot accept this in your heart, then your friendship is worth re-evaluating.
Make a commitment to each other (must be mutual).
Reaffirm that commitment throughout the relationship. This includes not being afraid to show them how much they mean to you.
Don't be afraid to make the first move.
Don't assume just because you are close with someone it will always be the case. Talk about your friendship and commit to them if you so choose.
Don't be afraid to be embarrassingly vulnerable with your friends. It goes hand in hand with trust.
Understand that you are only going to get a few lifelong friends, so don't be overzealous in committing to everyone. Be sober in your judgment of who you want to fight for.
Look for ways to serve your friends the way that they would want to be served. Make it a common part of your friendship. Go out of your way to serve them. They will notice and take it to heart.
Always give them the benefit of the doubt
Do not rely on your friendship to give you peace and a sense of security. Jonathan could be all that he was to David because he was already secure in God. Let's do the same.
Call them to check to see how they are doing (and not just when you want to talk about something specific).
Love them the way they best feel love and not just the way that's comfortable to you. (Check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman)
Pray for them.